


i guess we'll never learn

by Baebadook



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: A lot of hurt and some comfort, Angst, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Relationship, brief mentions of Sam/Beth, kinda description heavy, slight bit of canon divergence, takes place during chapters 1 and 2, this entire group needs therapy tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 12:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17704694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baebadook/pseuds/Baebadook
Summary: Josh was slipping through his fingers, and he wanted to try harder. He needed to. He'd never forgive himself otherwise.Takes place during Chapters 1 & 2.





	i guess we'll never learn

**Author's Note:**

> I have had this fanfiction in mind since I finished writing Hold Me Close (Til I Hit The Ground), and it was partially written before being abandoned back in 2015 if you can believe it. I have a few others from back in the day that I haven't finished that I started around the same time that I wouldn't mind completing now ha.
> 
> It makes me so happy to see that Until Dawn, and Climbing Class itself is still kicking, it really does. And while I don't know if this fic will live up to the first one I made, I'm still pretty content with it.
> 
> Title and the lyrics within are from the song Soarin by Bazzi. It's an excellent song, and so very melancholy. I thought it felt like a perfect fit for these two.
> 
> Enjoy!

The trip up Blackwood Mountain seemed to grow each passing year they visited, even with the cable car killing some time. Chris wheezed slightly, puffs of mist leaving his mouth with every exhale. God, his legs were killing him.

“We can take a break if you need one.” Sam offered from beside him, wholly unfazed by the lengthy walk. Because of course she was- she was practically built like a Greek goddess. He shook his head stubbornly.

“Nah, I’ll be fine,” he lied. The strenuous climb, combined with the jet lag from his flight had started to tire him out. He was fully prepared to just cut his losses right then and there and collapse into the snow, no matter how low the temperatures may be.

Being back on the mountain again felt...wrong, somehow- like they were intruders. Trespassing, and disturbing the serene wilderness. The icy trees looked almost sinister, swaying in the light crisp breeze. The bright moon casting shadows through the branches, depicting sharp claws. Chris shivered, not entirely from the biting chill, and wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to feel warmth. And even despite all the layers he had bundled up in this morning, he could still feel the bitter cold seeping into his skin.

At least it had stopped snowing for the moment.

Feeling the cold just as much as he was, Sam rubbed her hands together, teeth all but chattering.  
  
“I always forget how cold it can get up here.” She remarked, pulling her hat down tighter over her head. Chris dug into the pockets of his winter coat and produced a pair of extra gloves. He must’ve left his own back on the plane, but at least he had a thicker coat on than she did.

“Yeah, it sure is a kick to the groin compared to Cali.” She snorted, and took them gratefully, slipping them on.

“Thanks.”  
  
“No problem.” It was always nice to be prepared, for whatever may happen. He had also packed some food and water, extra clothes, a first-aid kit, and a few flashlights and batteries for the trip. Mostly at the behest of his mother, who had practically instilled the phrase “always be prepared” into him since his infanthood.

“It sure feels weird being back here again.” She said, softly.

“You can say that again.”

It was going to be interesting, seeing the whole group back in one place again. The last occasion he could think of was the funeral.

After a few more moments of them trekking up the mountain trail, making sure to avoid any wayward rocks or branches they could trip on, Sam finally broke the mounting silence. Well, in a sense. She glanced over to Chris every now and then, worrying her lower lip between her teeth. A nervous tick that she had never quite gotten rid of. Her look spoke volumes despite the quiet nature, and he sighed lightly and caught her glance.

“What is it?” He asked. Having known her since about the sixth grade, he had picked up on her body language enough to know when she was mulling over whether to say something or not. He had a hunch about what she wanted to ask, even. It would be best to get all of the awkward questions out of the way early, so they could better enjoy their trip.

Sam didn’t say anything at first- she simply looked away, into the thick forest on either side of them.

“Do you think this is a good idea? This trip, all of us together again?” She paused, expression tight with worry,“I just- the last time we did, it- it didn’t end well.”

She looked pained then, dredging up old memories and the exact reason they were there in the first place, and it was times like then that Chris remembered just how much Beth had meant to Sam. How much both of the twins had meant to all of them. Perhaps the twins really were the glue that held them all together. Their absences had never been more apparent until everyone split and went their own ways.

_Too young to see tomorrow_  
_Too young to know it hurts_  
_Found love in empty bottles_  
_I guess we'll never learn_

_So just lay with me,_  
_lay with me,_  
_late 'til morning_  
_'Cause I'm high and you high, and together we soarin'_

 Chris hesitated. She made a good point. After all, the entire group had been pretty...volatile, even when Beth and Hannah were with them. There were a lot of personalities, and not all of them meshed the best. He supposed they got along together well enough, but there had always seemed to be a fracture amongst them. Especially with the whole Mike, Emily, Hannah triangle that permeated the air. And Jessica was nothing if not an instigator.

Yet on the other hand, part of him wanted to say yes. He was probably being too naive in thinking that everyone would bond again, and let bygones be bygones. But he hoped that maybe, just maybe, this trip would end up being a good thing for all involved. They’d mourn together for the twins, and come out stronger for it. He knew that they would never completely get over the event that had happened, but perhaps they would find solace in each other.

_Yeah_. He had a feeling that they wouldn’t be sitting around a campfire singing songs together anytime soon, but you never knew. Screaming, fighting, crying; there’d be no telling what might happen when they were underneath the same roof again.

It was entirely possible that the weekend would spell out disaster, leaving their relationships even more broken than before they had arrived. But, he tried to be a glass-half-full type of guy.

In the end he could only shrug, “I dunno. I hope so? I mean, Josh sure seems to be psyched up about it all.”

Sam thought over that answer for a second, before-

“Have you...talked to him much?” It was a hesitant question, the elephant in the room they didn’t quite want to address yet.

“Other than the invite I got a few weeks ago? Uh no, not much.” After the accident, he had texted most of the others for a while, but eventually contact with them fizzled out. Sam and Ashley were really the only two that he managed to keep a steady stream of conversation with.

Sam had made sure to keep him up to date on everything in her life, how her parents were doing, and her younger brother. How she had started volunteering at a no-kill shelter. For a while, she had debated on changing her career path from a conservationist to a veterinarian. Ashley chimed in about this and that; new food she tried, her writing major, and the various vacations that her and her family went on.

Josh, on the other hand...he was a different story. He started seeing him less and less as time went on, especially after Josh had dropped out of college. He shot him an occasional email or text every now and then, to make sure he was doing okay. Nothing too clingy, or overbearing, because he knew how much Josh had hated it when when he was persistent, even before last year. But, nothing much came of it. Josh assured him that he was doing fine every time, and Chris accepted that. He made himself accept it.

But deep down he knew that in truth, he hadn’t been sure how to deal with Josh after his sisters went missing. Everything changed and the petty excuses that the both of them made let him believe that nothing had. He no longer recognized his best friend and it had scared him. But god, did he miss him.

It was a deep ache, like a part of his being was gone. He missed hanging out with him and shooting the shit. Playing video games or watching movies. Missed the guy he had started to fall for in the 7th grade. And it was selfish of him. He could’ve done more. Should’ve done more. He had made a vow to himself to change that, this weekend. He didn’t want to let Josh down anymore.

_And if I go too hard, pray the Lord my soul to take_  
_I've been up all night, tell tomorrow it can wait_  
_I think we went too far, the ones they couldn't say_  
_Inside you I found faith_

Chris hadn’t even realized that he had slowed down to a stop to until Sam stopped as well, looking back at him curiously.

“Everything okay?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah! I was just thinking,” he jogged to catch up to her.

“What about you, how’re you holding up?” He asked. Though all of his melodrama, sometimes he forgot how much Sam had been affected by the changes. He needed to be better about that, too.

“As best as I can be, I guess.” They shared a sympathetic smile. Good ol’ Sam, always looking out for everyone. Even when she was hurting, just as much as the rest of them. Chris put a hand on her shoulder to stop her from moving on ahead again and pulled her into a big hug.

“You’re a good friend Sam, I hope you know that.” She laughed slightly and returned the hug as best as she could, patting at his clunky backpack.

“Thanks, Chris. You are too.”

He certainly didn’t feel like one.  


* * *

  
The lodge looked glamorous as always, like something out of a postcard with the snow dusting the roof and the barren, icy trees encompassing the building on every side. Relatively untouched since the year prior, except for Josh’s preparations the past few days.

At the same time the lodge appeared eerie. It looked so empty and vacant. Other than Josh, the last ones to have been in there had probably been the police, during their investigation. Chris couldn’t help but feel a sense of foreboding. Maybe Sam had been right, and coming back- today especially- was a bad idea.

Regardless, he tried to stamp away any feelings of unease, and they trotted up the shoveled path to meet up with the group. Well, the beginnings of the group. Matt stood off to the side, hands in his Letterman jacket as he shuffled in place, in an attempt to keep warm.

“Good to see you, man.” Matt said, as they clasped hands.

“You too.” Chris turned to face the steps to the lodge where Ashley was perched, face shoved into a book as always.

“Hey Ash.”

She raised her head up from her page and smiled at him, but it was rather strained. “Hi, Chris.”

He nodded, and then glanced away, feeling guilty and out of place. All things considered, at least she seemed to be taking him turning her down fairly well. After a few weeks of silence between them, of course. But, he understood.

_I apologize if I say_  
_Anything I do mean_  
_'Cause I've been drinking too much_  
_Faded off the gasoline_  
_I'm just trying to live life_  
_Put on for my family_  
_That's on everything_  
_Girl we can do anything_  
_'Cause baby, we are_

Other than Sam, she was the only other current person who knew about his affections towards his best friend. And that...sounded like a recipe for disaster, now that he thought about it.

After sharing some pleasantries with Sam, Ashley promptly went back to her book, adamant on not taking any further glances at Chris. Sam sent him a reassuring smile, and he couldn’t help but grimace back.

God, the weekend was just going to get more and more awkward by the minute.

Thankfully he was saved from any further attempts at small talk about the current weather or, heaven forbid, _sports,_ when he heard the sound of ice crunching under boots.

“Hey, you guys made it!” It was Josh, grinning brightly at them like this was an everyday occurrence, and looking significantly under dressed for the current climate. A heavy feeling churned uncomfortably in Chris’ gut, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint its origins. Guilt, nervousness, excitement? A combination of all three? He didn’t know.

He went in for a hug, and Chris happily obliged. Josh felt like a goddamn furnace, as per the usual, and the contact seemed to help quell some of the uneasiness within him. He wrinkled his nose slightly when he got a whiff of his clothing.

“You smell like an entire gas station, dude.”

“Yeah, I was making sure the generators were all up and running. I did spend all of yesterday and today lugging all our supplies and shit to and from the cable car. Which _you_ -” he raised one of his hands and playfully jabbed Chris in the side, “were supposed to help me with, _bro_.”

Chris giggled and tried to dance away from his reach, holding up his hands in mock surrender.

“I’m sorry man, I didn’t exactly plan for my flight to get delayed either.”

“It’s all good, Cochise, I know. Samantha darling, you’re looking _dashing_ today.” He moved his attention to her, tone all faux posh. She snorted, but played along.

“You’re looking nice yourself, _Joshua_.”

Chris stood back and got a good look at him while they hugged and caught up on things. He did look good, mostly anyways. To anyone that hadn’t known Josh as long as they had, he looked fine. He still had that infectious charm about him, but he looked haggard. He had lost some weight since the last time Chris had saw him, and he was already pretty skinny. And he had dark circles under his eyes. He wondered briefly when the last time he had gotten some decent sleep was. He frowned.

“Where are all the others at?” Josh asked finally, after they were done chatting.

“Jessica is waiting at the cable car for Mike, and Emily is… somewhere?” Sam offered, and looked to Matt for clarification. He just shrugged in a ‘what can you do?’ manor, wholly not surprised nor bothered by this.

“Fair enough. You guys could’ve went on inside though, it’s cold out here!”

“We would’ve, man, but the door is like completely frozen shut.” Matt said.

“What? Get out of here.” Josh passed by Ashley to check on it himself, then cursed under his breath when he gave an experimental pull and the door wouldn’t budge.

“I swear it was fine when I was here like, six hours ago.”

“We could always break in?” Chris offered, mostly kidding.

“I appreciate your gusto? But I’d rather not have my parents chew me out for any more damage to this place. Mind helping me find another way in?”

“Alright.”

Sam sent him a surreptitious thumbs up when Josh’s back was turned, and he both loved and hated her at the same time for it.

And so they trudged off to the right of the lodge, on the search for a way to get inside. Chris had a new found perk in his step, ready to flop down in front of the nearest heater and stay there for the next few hours. His face had started to get numb. Josh however, seemed perfectly immune to the bitter weather, hands stuffed into his pockets as he strolled next to him at an almost leisurely pace.

_Too young to see tomorrow_  
_Too young to know it hurts_  
_Found love in empty bottles  
_ _I guess we'll never learn_

_So just lay with me,_  
_lay with me,_  
_late 'til morning_  
_'Cause I'm high and you high, and together we soarin'_

“So, you hear how Emily and Matt are a thing now?” Chris said conversationally.

“Yeah, and Jessica and Mike. It’s quite the turn of events to be sure. Can’t say I saw it coming, but as long as they’re happy I guess, right?” Josh said, and he hummed softly in reply.

It was the perfect segue. “How are you doing, by the way?”

“I’m good. Been doing this and that, you know.” Josh said. Chris relented on the issue, for the time being.

After a bit of walking, Josh craned his head to look back at where they came from once they were out of earshot of the others, before giving him a significant look.

“Whyyyy are you looking at me like that?”

“What’s up with you and Ash, man? Things seemed pretty awkward back there.” He grinned suddenly, looking downright wolfish, “did you two finally have sex?”

Chris grimaced again. He should have expected that Josh would barrage him with questions on the matter. Especially now considering the both of them were playing the avoidance game. It took him a second to realize what Josh had said, but when he did he nearly slid and fell right on his ass.

“What?! No, we did not-” He glanced back too, before lowering his voice to a whisper, “ _have sex_ , Josh.”

“Uh-huh, sure. Whatever you say dude.”

“We didn’t! Please just drop it, okay?”

After a bit of laughter Josh held up his hands, surrendering. “Sorry man, I didn’t mean to hit a nerve or anything.”

“It’s okay, I’d just- rather not talk about it.” There was no way that he was going to be telling Josh about his crush on him anytime soon. He was there for his best friend, nothing more, and he wasn’t about to throw his feelings into the mix and mess things up any further than they already were.

_And if I go too hard, pray the Lord my soul to take_  
_You're here, I'm here, tell me this isn't fate_  
_You should know you could go anywhere you wanna be_  
_Take my hand to find your fantasy_

Silence once more. Being here with him, it was almost like old times. But it was so different. Instead of comfortable, the silence felt constraining. Suffocating. Guilt weighed heavy on his mind, like he was buried under 12 inches of the glistening snow surrounding them.

“The window to the garage is right up here, I’ll give you a boost inside.” Josh said, but Chris wasn’t really listening.

The closer they got to getting inside the more he felt as if it was sealing their fate. He couldn’t stand the energy between them. Couldn’t stand the thought of it being like this all week, so close to him but so far. The apologies were ready to tumble from his lips and he wanted, no, _needed_ to get everything off of his chest.

“Hey- can I talk to you for a minute?” Chris grabbed his hand to get him to stop, and it felt warm and familiar in his, and yet unfamiliar at the same time.

This probably wasn't the best place to discuss anything, standing in the cold while their friends waited for them to get inside and fix the door for them. But knowing Josh, it was probably best to just approach the situation head on. Once they got inside and started cranking the music and bringing out the booze, it would be far too easy for him to dip back into his vices. He’d lose the conversation before it even began.

Maybe he’d hate him for it- maybe it would ruin the weekend, or their friendship. But he was willing to take that risk. Josh was slipping through his fingers, and he wanted to try harder. He _needed_ to. He'd never forgive himself otherwise.

Josh stopped and turned to face him, a frown tugging at his lips at the seriousness to his voice.

“Sure. What’s wrong?”

_Everything,_ everything was wrong. Chris swallowed hard around the lump that had formed in his throat. He had tried to write some things he wanted to say down, to rehearse. It felt too dumb now, and artificial. Besides, everything he had thought about went out of his head when Josh turned to him, arms crossed, looking more closed off than ever before.

He breathed deeply, his heart a sharp staccato in his chest. Around them, everything felt incredibly still.

"I'm sorry about your sisters, man." Chris said.

Hot shame filled his insides, despite the nip in the air. He hadn't spoken more than a handful of words in person to Josh since the funeral. So many times he told himself he was giving his friend space- that he needed time to heal, or some shit.

But it was so obvious that Josh still hadn't- and that he might never heal, completely anyways. He didn't blame him in the least. Josh's parents were mentally absent, distant after losing two of their children and leaving Josh to try and pick up the pieces on his own. Chris swallowed again, and tried to will the nausea in his stomach to subside.

Josh shuffled his foot in the melted snow he stood in and avoided eye contact. "It's alright, big guy. I'm feeling better now," he said. But Chris had grown up with him, seen him lie and fib their way out of many groundings from both of their parents. And it was almost too easy to see the lie.

"Still going to therapy?" He asked, words soft. He felt the need to whisper, as to not disturb the atmosphere. The fresh snow and ice clinging to every surface of the lodge and every tree around them, pristine and untouched. He shuddered a bit when the wind picked up and stuffed his bare hands into his coat pockets.

"Yeah, I am." And he still wasn't looking at him. Was it another lie, or just out of his own shame? Lately he didn't know.

"Good. Good," he opened his mouth a few times, struggling to find words to fill the silence. And it burned him up inside, knowing that the silence didn't use to be there. That he was partially responsible for it being there.

_I apologize if I say_  
_Anything I do mean_  
_'Cause I've been drinking too much_  
_Faded off the gasoline_  
_I'm just trying to live life_  
_Put on for my family_  
_That's on everything_  
_Girl we can do anything_  
_'Cause baby, we are_

What could he possibly say, to erase months of radio silence? There wasn’t enough words in the English language.

"Josh I'm- I'm so sorry-” Josh sent him a sharp look, annoyed, but Chris didn’t back down this time. Quite the opposite- he stepped closer to him, and placed both hands on to his shoulders. Perhaps to ground himself, or perhaps so Josh couldn’t walk away from him again.

“No, let me finish. I should've been a better friend to you. You can't deny it. I _abandoned_ you; after your sisters it was hard, because they were my friends too. But I should've gotten it through my dumbass brain just how hard it was for you. From now on I want you to know that I'm here for you, just like the others are probably too. I mean, we're all here, right?" He licked at his chapped lips, breath misting. For the first time since he had arrived at the mountain, Josh finally looked him dead in the eyes.

"I just want you to know that you're my best friend, and I let you down before but it's never gonna happen again. From here on out I'm here, no matter what you need, whenever you need it. Okay?"

Chris hadn't really expected to ramble on that much. Relief bloomed deep in his chest, and it felt incredible once it was all out on the table, at least partially. He sniffed, and this time it wasn't from the temperature, and swiped underneath his glasses at a tear that was starting to gather.

Josh didn't speak for a while, and it was alright. If he didn't accept Chris' apology at first, he'd just make good on his word until he did. He'd say it every day for the rest of his life if he had too.

For a fleeting moment he thought that he had gotten through to him. Josh’s eyebrows furrowed together and he looked at him for a while, expression almost pained. Chris’ hands were still pressed into his shoulders, clutching into the fabric of his vest. They were close enough that when Josh breathed out he could feel his warm breath fanning across his face.

The trees creaked eerily and swayed, and the wind howled and nipped at any exposed skin, but he barely paid any attention to it. The stillness between them felt thick and palpable enough to touch. Chris waited with bated breath for him to say something- anything.

A bird flew off of it's nearby perch, raining snow down with it, and it seemed to snap Josh out of whatever reverie he was in.

"That means a lot to me, Chris." The mask shifted back into place. He smiled, probably meant to come off as reassuring or maybe placating even. And it almost looked convincing. Almost.

“I’m fine though, man. Really,” he continued. “C'mon, let's get that door open. Everyone’s waiting." Josh gently stepped back out of his reach and turned on his heel.

Chris watched him go, and he let his arms fall limply to his sides.

His heart sank in his chest; he had failed his best friend again. And that realization hurt more than the biting weather ever would.

_Lay with me,  
_ _late 'til morning_

 

_'Cause I'm high and you high, and together we soarin'_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys for taking the time to read my fanfiction, any comments and kudos you may leave will really be appreciated, if you wanted to.
> 
> Or, come talk to me on my Video Game tumblr! https://shakenbaeky.tumblr.com


End file.
